Did You Miss Me?

If you've been wondering where the fat girl went, well, she went and got herself a job. I currently work at a Big Snotty University. I'm not joking about the snotty part either. The monied class of every Third World country sends their children here. Don't get me started on the application I read from a certain heir of a certain Middle Eastern royal house. On the other hand, the office is really friendly and the people are great. I think I lucked out. Not only that, but I've also taken to walking the over 3 miles home from work on rainless days and am feeling really good about it. Perhaps this will mark a turnaround in my life.

Uh Oh

I've noticed a slight tingling in my feet the past several days and when I sit still, the heels of my feet go numb. I googled these symptoms and everything came back DIABETES. My grandfather had diabetes and lost a leg. Apparently, diabetes results from bad diet and lack of exercise, but he was a very active and trim man and even though I've gained weight, I still go on long walks every day. Today I walked for nearly two hours and I'm a fast walker--no one is ever able to keep up with me. I think what this means is that I need to make drastic changes in my diet, definitely more fruits and vegetables. I need to get my boyfriend on board with this because we eat the same food. His father suffered from diabetes and heart problems too, although it was cancer that finally did him in. I'm sure these problems are not unrelated and since my boyfriend is the spitting image of his father in every respect, I know that he is at risk for his father's diseases. I can't bear the thought of losing him like his mother lost her husband at such a young age. We need to make changes now!

Does Judaism have excommunication?

If so, then these bozos ought to be the first to go. They are British Jews, probably Neturai Karta, who attended Iran's Holocaust Denial Party.

There are no words

The Palestinian factions have been engaged in a low level civil war since before the Israeli withdrawal from Gaza. They tear at each other like sharks in a womb, but today I think a line was crossed which could see the factionalism explode into full-fledged civil war. Some Hamasniks assasinated the children of a Fatah official as they travelled home from school, in full view of hundreds of school children. Children! It takes a special kind of depravity/fanaticism to look a child in the face and shoot it. I don't want to become a blowhard pundit, but some things do boggle the mind.

The bad and the good in my life

I've been to several job interviews the past couple of weeks. I thought I had done very well, but no takers as of yet. I've been quite down because of it. My boyfriend is really sweet: he goes out in the morning before I've woken up and buys me a soy latte from Starbucks so that I'll have something nice to wake up to. He makes me feel like a queen.

A further thought

When I wrote "dirt poor" in the last entry, it prompted me to think about how poor people in America tend to be fatter because fatty foods are cheaper than healthy stuff. You could feed a large family for $10 at Taco Bell. (On a side note, ever since I've come back to America I am astounded every time I go to the supermarket because the fruits and veggies are so expensive and tasteless and the selection is terrible! No wonder people don't eat healthy here! Israel may be an evil zionist regime, but their agricultural produce is fantastic and the people glow with good health. It's all about the olives, tomatoes, and oranges). But I digress. Writing the previous entry caused me to remember that in my house we didn't have a working oven or freezer and that the refrigerator kinda worked, the microwave kinda worked and we had one burner to cook on. And we never used the kitchen sink. We didn't have proper dishes; only paper plates and disposable utensils so there would be nothing to wash. It all sounds so glamorous, no? We ate fast-food almost every night and on days that we didn't we ate Ramen noodles. I grew up with a taste for fast-food and even today I hate to cook and I eat out whenever possible, although I try to make healthier choices now. I think it's not so much that I "got fat", but that my metabolism finally caught up with the bad eating habits I had been brought up with. My high school boyfriend was even poorer. When the welfare check came in his family would eat like kings for a couple of days and the rest of the time they at 20cent frozen burritos. That family was actually hungry. My boyfriend always had a lean, hungry look on his face and since the parents were really negligent the boys often had to fend for themselves and find their own food. It was really sad. They couldn't even get fat on fast-food, they were that poor.

High School Reunion

My mother emailed me yesterday to tell me I had gotten a postcard informing me of the upcoming 10 yr highschool reunion. For joy. I was expelled from highschool, you bitches, and was refused admittance to the honors program even tho I ended up going to a better university than anyone else (except for the girl who went to Yale and the guy who went to MIT). My family is dirt poor so I definately didn't get into college based on connections. Anyhow, I think the mention of the reunion caused me to have this weird dream last night. I dreamt that i was in a big law school lecture hall and everyone was taking a final, but the test takers weren't law students, they were my high school classmates. I sat down to take a test next to two girls who I had been friends with since elementary school (they ditched me in highschool because I didn't buy into fundamentalism and wasn't in the marching band). When I tried talking with them they were really angry with me about something--I'm not sure what--and didn't want me to talk or sit with them. I walked up the stairs to the back of the lecture hall and was beckoned by a Filipino I had been friendly with, but I ignored him because I was embarrassed about my weight even tho he had always been chubby in highschool and then I tried to avoid everybody else. I also saw a lefty Israeli grad student who had TA'd one of my classes in college, but I didn't feel like talking and ignored him too. I woke up feeling really unhappy. What does it all mean?

Something is bothering me today and it's not my weight

It's amazing how much anti-semitism I encounter on a daily basis from ordinary people. I expected it in university where the Jews are the scapegoat for every pet cause, but I didn't expect it in real life. I grew up in a conservative Christian town (I was considered an oddity there--a Jew and a liberal), but my ethnic origins never once came up as a point of issue or were used as an ad hominim attack against me in a disagreement. In university my voice was invalid because the university is dominated by leftists and in the leftist version of reality, JEWS are the sole producers of racism, human rights violations, war, poverty and environmental degradation in the entire world. All the hatred I encountered everyday in uni (the spitting, the yelling, the accusations, the lies and the physical attacks on Jews and Jewish religious buildings and symbols, including a Holocaust memorial!)led me to leave America and go to Israel for a few years. Israel bears no resemblance to its depiction on college campuses or on CNN, BBC, Sky News, et al. Anyhow, I'm back in America now and living in a lefty-dominated Big City. The hate is spewing my way again and not surprisingly, it is emanating from left-leaning individuals. Although I'm still registered as a Democrat, I voted straight Republican in the last election, even if I wasn't familiar with the candidate because the vibe I'm getting from Democrats these days is that the Democrats wouldn't hesitate to send me to a gas chamber if they had half a chance.

The Usual Routine

I started out good today, but as soon as my boyfriend goes to sleep, I gorge all night long. I go into the kitchen every 10 minutes and hate myself all night long. I'm not obese, but I know I will be in the near future if I keep this up. I feel desolate and don't want to go anywhere or see anyone.

The bottomless pit

Today was another day of unstoppable eating. I'm worried because no matter how much I eat, I never feel full. Even if I eat a large meal and can feel my belt straining, I am starving again 30 minutes later. How do I stop this? I've always had this problem, but the calories didn't compound when I was younger because I was more active. My mother used to marvel at how much I could put away. Then again, she is totally satisfied with a few crackers and slices of cheese. Feelings of ravening hunger are unknown to her. Have I ever seen her eat a full meal? Perhaps she eats in secret like my boyfriend. I've always been the heaviest one in my family, even in my skinny days.

The rain doesn't help. The weather is utterly miserable for days at a time and I hate to venture outside, especially since this is my first winter in a cold environment and I don't have the appropriate clothing or shoes. I don't know what passes for winter fashion. I just want to be warm and snuggly.

My Life As It Stands

I eat because it's the only thing I'm good at. I used to be skinny and I walked everywhere; I power marched up and down hills for miles because I enjoyed being in the sunshine and in the beautiful neighborhood; I carried my groceries a mile uphill--a steep one, mind you!--because I didn't have a car. Then I graduated from college (it was a national university, at the top of every list) and I lost all confidence because I couldn't find a job. I had done quite well in uni, but four years of higher education turned out to be completely worthless and I realized I should have gone to a trade school to learn medical billing or air-conditioning maintenance (they make good money, don't mock). I was losing out on entry level jobs to girls with secretarial certificates. More power to them--they were smart not to go to college. Not being able to work, not being able to find a job made me feel so useless and stupid. I had so many hours alone with my thoughts to torture myself and eating alleviated the sadness for a few minutes...and then I would get even sadder for having just eaten an entire bad of potato chips. I got a job pouring coffee, which made me hate myself even more. The weight piled on and after a while, I wouldn't even walk outside because I was so embarrassed about how I looked. I didn't feel human and I didn't want anyone to see me. There are days, whole weeks even, when I don't see sunshine or venture outside. I've cut off all friends and family members (I never liked the family, so no big loss) because I don't want anyone to know what a loser I've become. I was always at the top of the class, the one with potential who would be going places. People often told me I was beautiful and exotic-looking, but I never believed them. I guess I hated myself even back then. I really miss those days now...

Wow, I had no idea I had this much to say. Maybe I'll leave the rest of the story for another day.