The Usual Routine

I started out good today, but as soon as my boyfriend goes to sleep, I gorge all night long. I go into the kitchen every 10 minutes and hate myself all night long. I'm not obese, but I know I will be in the near future if I keep this up. I feel desolate and don't want to go anywhere or see anyone.

The bottomless pit

Today was another day of unstoppable eating. I'm worried because no matter how much I eat, I never feel full. Even if I eat a large meal and can feel my belt straining, I am starving again 30 minutes later. How do I stop this? I've always had this problem, but the calories didn't compound when I was younger because I was more active. My mother used to marvel at how much I could put away. Then again, she is totally satisfied with a few crackers and slices of cheese. Feelings of ravening hunger are unknown to her. Have I ever seen her eat a full meal? Perhaps she eats in secret like my boyfriend. I've always been the heaviest one in my family, even in my skinny days.

The rain doesn't help. The weather is utterly miserable for days at a time and I hate to venture outside, especially since this is my first winter in a cold environment and I don't have the appropriate clothing or shoes. I don't know what passes for winter fashion. I just want to be warm and snuggly.

My Life As It Stands

I eat because it's the only thing I'm good at. I used to be skinny and I walked everywhere; I power marched up and down hills for miles because I enjoyed being in the sunshine and in the beautiful neighborhood; I carried my groceries a mile uphill--a steep one, mind you!--because I didn't have a car. Then I graduated from college (it was a national university, at the top of every list) and I lost all confidence because I couldn't find a job. I had done quite well in uni, but four years of higher education turned out to be completely worthless and I realized I should have gone to a trade school to learn medical billing or air-conditioning maintenance (they make good money, don't mock). I was losing out on entry level jobs to girls with secretarial certificates. More power to them--they were smart not to go to college. Not being able to work, not being able to find a job made me feel so useless and stupid. I had so many hours alone with my thoughts to torture myself and eating alleviated the sadness for a few minutes...and then I would get even sadder for having just eaten an entire bad of potato chips. I got a job pouring coffee, which made me hate myself even more. The weight piled on and after a while, I wouldn't even walk outside because I was so embarrassed about how I looked. I didn't feel human and I didn't want anyone to see me. There are days, whole weeks even, when I don't see sunshine or venture outside. I've cut off all friends and family members (I never liked the family, so no big loss) because I don't want anyone to know what a loser I've become. I was always at the top of the class, the one with potential who would be going places. People often told me I was beautiful and exotic-looking, but I never believed them. I guess I hated myself even back then. I really miss those days now...

Wow, I had no idea I had this much to say. Maybe I'll leave the rest of the story for another day.