My Life As It Stands

I eat because it's the only thing I'm good at. I used to be skinny and I walked everywhere; I power marched up and down hills for miles because I enjoyed being in the sunshine and in the beautiful neighborhood; I carried my groceries a mile uphill--a steep one, mind you!--because I didn't have a car. Then I graduated from college (it was a national university, at the top of every list) and I lost all confidence because I couldn't find a job. I had done quite well in uni, but four years of higher education turned out to be completely worthless and I realized I should have gone to a trade school to learn medical billing or air-conditioning maintenance (they make good money, don't mock). I was losing out on entry level jobs to girls with secretarial certificates. More power to them--they were smart not to go to college. Not being able to work, not being able to find a job made me feel so useless and stupid. I had so many hours alone with my thoughts to torture myself and eating alleviated the sadness for a few minutes...and then I would get even sadder for having just eaten an entire bad of potato chips. I got a job pouring coffee, which made me hate myself even more. The weight piled on and after a while, I wouldn't even walk outside because I was so embarrassed about how I looked. I didn't feel human and I didn't want anyone to see me. There are days, whole weeks even, when I don't see sunshine or venture outside. I've cut off all friends and family members (I never liked the family, so no big loss) because I don't want anyone to know what a loser I've become. I was always at the top of the class, the one with potential who would be going places. People often told me I was beautiful and exotic-looking, but I never believed them. I guess I hated myself even back then. I really miss those days now...

Wow, I had no idea I had this much to say. Maybe I'll leave the rest of the story for another day.